a different kind of pain

it's been far too long
the only thought i'm allowed to have

my breath doesn't come
my heart doesn't beat

for i'm anticipating
waiting

i'm on edge
tensed into coils

perched on the end
my heart clenches in agony

wrapped in torture
i can feel the whisp of you

tantalizing enough
to tempt me beyond measure

so close we've seemed
and to be cliche
so far away

what a different kind of pain

to my dearest

hello love

the winter snow
has seemed to caused my
freckles to reappear
and my heritage
to shine through
hope you don't mind.

in more recent
happenings the keys
on my lovely elderly piano
have received much emotion
of late.

fielding my downfalls
and hopes
all at once
can prove a daunting
task.

even for an
inanimate object.

for you see
we,
i said we
have finally begun
to make
one another
happy
and quite pleased.

and now
i have come to see
how it is
for him to depend on
me.

and the wonderment
of it all
is how very much
i need him.

god, do i need him.

this winter snow
is a lovely fresh
beginning.

love me

instances towards advancement

i'm fighting for the chance
to dash away
and find out about us

i'm pushing
to create afresh
and decipher the past

i'm spinning quicker
to lose myself
and see ahead into forever

i'm listening
to understand why
and how we smile

i'm laughing
to ignore the pain
and dance the night away

i'm singing
to hear my sound
and embrace our future

i'm collapsing
to feel your arms about me
and chance our lips to meet

too much too soon

a rest
a break
a chance to catch my breath

to step back
can you see what i know
this won't last forever

i like you
you love me
what an unbalanced harmony

my heart will always belong
to someone with better
hands than you

so stretched
so empty inside
today may be the day i finally cry

just to rid myself the emotions inside
i can fly. i can fly.

give me time
god i need more time
this circus of life will never end

to be simple again
what is wrong with me?
i can't make up my mind

twisted inside
to unknot this mess
i need a chance
to stop and smell the roses

like summer
and warm nights
i need a chance
to stick my head out the window

and yell to the night once again

one at a time
we'll make it i hope
to sleep would be bliss

to dance

spinning across the ballrooms of our minds
a sly glance
a slick bow
the dances continues
the strings leading on

the confusion of the light and bright
shooting shadows on the wall
a curtsy and a laugh echo
throughout the expanse
we dance

our hands clasped
spiraling around and around
this night in our minds
should never end

soon

we move so slow
but soon
we will meet in the middle
at last

soon
we can tell
if we can handle this

if the world will stop spinning
and if gravity won't hold true
soon we'll know

how long has this taken us?
since that trip
long ago
you heard of it

from when he came back
and the surrealness of it all
and the airfreshener
such strong memories

soon
i'll find what i wanted so many nights ago
another road
another time

it's soon
it's time.

Nightsongs

Excitement echoes into the night,
like banshees we call to the heavens.

With those you love,
clear nights are the best.
The clouds will be jealous tonight.

Specks of bright,
scattered across our darkness.

Tonight, pick just one.
One is more than enough.
Then you can let go,
and fly.

Stumbling down,
spurts of laughter pierce the silence,
over the mock questioning you give us.

Dizzying heights
Emotions so tight, so true.
If only for an instant,
I know you're spinning too.

Racing across the expanse,
cold dew from the grass burns my soles.
I could do this forever,
until I find you.
We are one of a kind.

back to basics

we need to take a day
to stop and stare at everyone's freckles.

call it a holiday
stare into their souls

remember what yesterday smelled like
lie about tomorrow

try to feel today
for once

have you stopped yet
why are we at such a standstill

when is the day
we can't remember the color of our eyes

we don't have forever

cold
numb toes
frosted breath
if only there was someone else
mainly you
under this blanket

time slides on
gusting chill winds
reminding me
we really don't have forever

at a standstill
how long
will we stare at each other
when will we know for sure

if we fit together
we don't have forever
come share my bed

craving the hint of human touch

closing my eyes
opening my arms
and daring to hope
that you'll come running

patches of light and dark
ripple across our faces
stoically stuck
trapped within
each other's thoughts

someday

tiptoeing across the pond
stopping to reflect
and break the image
of a green laced monster

kicking feet in pools of
mud dripping down you legs
feeling the slow burn of
cold on a fall day

yelling into the
pelting raindrops of ice
and wrapped tightly in warmth
of socks and scarves

laying back and seeing
the stars and the amazement
of never befoe seen pinpricks of
light in a darkened night

bits

how quickly
we adapt
moving on
rearranging
so the empty spots
in our hearts
aren't so large
anymore

those things
you once loved
always and forever
you said
not anymore
what happened
who changed

speedily
moving on
rapidly
through life
savoring moments
like bits of soup
on a winter's day

forgetting the
yesterday
when you were
here with me

dictionary of thought

definiton of now:
calmly excited
satisfied
and you said,
this day
would never
come.
you were wrong

definition of yesterday:
same
oddly amazing
who could have thought
someone like me
could ever end up
being this happy?
or simply content with being me.

definition of happiness:
john mayer
ice cream
being with people
the ones you love
and comfortably
mesh together
forever.

definition of you:
transparent
oddly meant for me
others obviously
thought not
but we drove away
like that one day
i've never had better pizza.

forever

it's always in the night
the have you ever
or have you done
the confessions

we thought it'd be forever
but it went too fast
counting off the days
in this calendar that
you want to escape
yet want to stay in forever

we seem so close
while knowing that soon enough
we won't ever be together
ever again.

knowing this has to be
too good
to be true

just to stop
and be satisfied

mockery

faces
with piercing eyes
and rounded noses
and a quick
small grin
shared with me

disbelief
in the fact
that one year
could change
everything

familar glances
from you alone
reassured me
the soon enough
it would be alright

so many
sights and sounds
yet yearning dreadfully
for the simplicity
of before

tomorrow
to start the same
without the comfort of you
would chance to be
insanity

crash

it broke
i jumped
with a bang
believing
hoping that
enough of
you would
be there to
catch the
falling
broken
and torn
shards of
me from
this explosion
and regret of
today if
only yours
was the face
at the
bottom

on a whim

so tangible

driving into the night
whispers of the summer
apart

you came back
unannounced

distinctive in your
amry garb
i couldn't believe it was you
you came back subdued

it was a win win

the subtle hints dropped
the house
the balance
made me feel unique

now she doesn't understand
how much you mean
to me

the friendly fog
and the safe smell
of that free
airfreshener

i would leave again now

next time

frustrating
waiting games

that next moment
the time of sheer
bliss

it's always about
him
isn't it?

what a sham
this false sense of
something

knowing that
nothing
exists
but
us

do you know it?

how temporary
this is

shame in the
waiting game

the weight
i place
is unfathomable
and invisible

i'm sorry

sinking away

so soft
velvet falls
surrounding

unlikely
in the wisps of
words

feeling like the sky

taunted in my solitude
comforted in my peace

knowing today
is a good day
for you

listening to
the deep
and fragile tendrils
of dusk

when did it
become so
dark

andante

the sweet breeze caught in my hair
blowing across the night and scent of
yesterday searching for the right moment

recalling the right moments
that revealed the soothing lilt that
emerged from unexpectations of this

feeling the heat and sultry swish
of your words against mine having the same
effect as a drink filling and emptying my soul

moving and stretching into and comfort
and condolence under the layers of fabric and
dusk ignoring the possibility of dawn

all i can see in this separate time and place
is the subtle hues of the explosion that surrounds
what pierced me from the look that is you

distance-

it's the downfall of me.
where we are now
if
you haunt my dreams
how you don't
know
what has been
given to you

future-

only a shred of hope
past-

that touch from you
i can feel your arms around
me

it was so surreal

did that happen too?

p.s.

for the
record

my name is rachel

broken silence

when something
speaks
directly
to you

maybe it is for you.

the doubt drifting around
in this sense of
anonymous
speech

you know little about
me

yet you know more
than most

unending wordplay
to fit the
puzzle pieces in
place

i'm here
ready to
fly

and find a
way
a chance

to connect
the paths that
have become ours.

i'm here.

vertigo

the stammering
obviousness
of it all

or so it seems

have i read
the signs
interpreted what i see
correctly

if so
my course is
made

you have thrown your
caution
to the breeze

what if
no

i heard about
you
today of all things

star and lamp light

so much emotion
what you shouted to the night
i tend to agree

secrets

shredded
torn
between what this

carefully placed words

could it be?
i can't lead myself
to believe

again i
imagine

write me when you get this
let me know

whirlpools
drowning
unexplicable questions


and i can only wonder

severe emotion

it's that word
the one
without a translation

i feel it
in my very
being

intense longing
not quite
descriptive
enough

i think
i'm falling in love

and i may not even know you

but i hear
i hear your voice

and our song
they say we blended

it's that word
i miss the
place
but
it's the people i really
truly
long for

i'm falling in love with you

but how
when we stay so
far
apart

you're enough
far enough
to wait for

is this really love
because words can't
even describe
this pain

webs

stranded together
shared week

or days
it was a
connection

heavily clinging
the slight smiles
we shared


it was always the music

pulling back
home

forced our webs apart
i wept

across the sounds
still listening

it captured what
we may
or may not
have had

it's the time
of our lives

connections abound
between the
fibers
the being of
life

the quiet morning dew shatters

i'm falling

spread your
arms

jump for once
i'm gone before
you are so behind

take this


more than what
more than this

my body is here
my soul is there

let me know
when
we can go
together

come join
me

i'm spinning

my head
recalls the old
days and

laughs

gone away
today

perhaps this is
too vague,
abstract

can you understand?

do you see?
i'm inviting you
to come
with
me

i'm falling

as usual

so we
move on
carry on

business as usual

i seem to notice
the absence of your
eyes

so i
inhale the dark

trying to breathe
the sight of you
the split

second
we were

to move on
after this
is unbelievable

what
more
is
there

the natural
unrelenting
progression of life

as usual

ignores the fact
i'm by the wayside

facing behind

much more

the touch of you
holding me
to go back

it was so much
much more than
it ever was imagined
to be

the distinct melodic
sounds of
your voice and your
song

together we blended
and were
at rest

until this jarring
blast of reality


this is the happiness i will not have for long, and i will rarely place out to you. until i hear you again.

anticipation of what

it was a
while ago
we saw
one
another

we changed
of that
i am so
sure

but how will this be again
to me
and more
importantly
to you

i remember the letter
do you

this is raw
worry

if there
was only
a
safe
comfort
place to go back
into
if you
can't be

what you once were

as it is now

it was once
not so long
ago

we were like sun and stars
never apart
this is not the same

you continue to brush aside
the deep yearnings of mine

yet you do not know
and so

i wait
and breathe
to accept today
and hope for tomorrow

because i feel
i have met
someone else
to share

the sweet thoughts of
mine
without rhythm
or rhyme

i will choose myself
and my sanity

fighting the feeling

lighthearted
superficial
all it is to you
all it was to me

silly
mocking games
imitated laughter

truly though
could there be more

beyond these whimsical words
and frothy phrases
i sense a streaming undercurrent
of what could be

it's what i felt last night
with you
beside
me

a single plea

on stage
you present this quiet synthetic
emotion to the masses
leaving none for yourself

occasionally the blissfully
ignorant conversation with the unwise
can root you in reality

come down from
this forsaken pedestal
you give yourself to them
and yet they know not

come speak with me

agony

you're pulling me back to this again
kicking and screaming
i sob over this beloved
agony

don't make me go back
don't make me go


i didn't mean to blame you
you blamed yourself
this is not where i wanted to be
don't make me leave

the is the dreaded agony

the significant touch of tomorrow

i must be waiting
because not much has happened yet
this acoustic symphony
soothes my soul
close your eyes
and breathe
i will be
we will be
after this night of stars and satellites
the dulled hues of sunrise
blaze with blistering dexterity
our fingertips collide
this burning is sweet
the emptiness is beyond satisfying
this whisper is forever

starsong

each time i wait
wait to hear this
this unearthly bliss
bliss created by mere mortals
mortals who give their all
all for this task
task of unending song
song of a new hope
hope for tomorrow
tomorrow brings the thought of you
you must listen for
for the undying light
light to illuminate
illuminate us standing here
here together
together at last

speaking of

what i was speaking of
this silly
goofy noise

why do you yell?

why do you scream?

easy and free
that's me

now you can't see
so high
am i

leave me

alone

of course

now that i can see the circle
i'm aware
of how insane

what has happened?
and why again?


vicious is it not.

but to rewind
and begin to feel
the yellow blade of life

pulsating forward
and escape

from this cycle
circle
we now see together

but to explode
will stop
the imploding from occuring

thank you

remembrance
creates much more
than what ever happens
now

i thank you

this connection
the seldom hello

i thank you

you make me treasure
life
and love

for you made me believe
in love

in retrospect
i miss you the most

and you won't know it
this is a lament

and the odd tale
of love

love

yes i say
love

who would have believed
that this was
in fact
love

cherished now

i thank you

and i welcome the thought
of long ago

i thank you

for nate

i watched it unfold

beneath your hands

there it was

i was in awe

so much

out of nothing?

tragedy struck

it fell intwo

your hand enveloped it

i rescued a piece

beautiful enough for me

i kept it for myself

treaured

that's what it should have been

but i failed

i lost this insignificant shard

somewhere

somehow

now all i have to remember

a voice

a look

and that you created

is gone forever

like i fear you are

whilst

seeing as i have missed you

i have pointed out i care

yet you do not see

gaps in time cause sorrow

not for you, for me

a better quest
could be

to find out, exactly

who are you?
and what am i missing?

pulsing

one after another

they come

i can't stop
what is happening now

break
pause
in two

rewarded

with a

smile

the crumbling wall

these things
blocking between
are gone

the security i found
with them
has left

what does that leave me with
how to start again

secrets

pushing
driving through me
i feel this passion

not with you
but me

my soul

strives
to go far away

the urgent pulsing through my veins
suggests a possibility
of life after this

the trick

fooling yourself
sounds so very

difficult

no

easy

when you really need
to believe
what you don't know
is true
or not

what pain?
what gain?

i disguise
the feelings
inside

steady love

the simple things
always
appreciated
for the quiet joy
they love to bring

the fresh insight
the joy
of newness
clean
emotions
oveflow

suspense
brings release
unspeakable
i see again
what i've been
quite longing
again to eye

sweet
felt now
cosmos