dirt

it's late
and I'm feeling dirty

the kind that should multiply
cigarette stains
scattered across calloused hands
and coffee rings
hardened overnight

but I don't smoke
and my coffeepot has been broken
cheap
as it was

if anything
I've overindulged in m&ms
Pepsi products
and a lack of mobility

I'll just wait for something truly lavish

and I know I've read more books
I just can't remember
maybe it's because they were all smut

there's that one cobweb hanging
dangling from the corner
and I'm too lazy to get it

if I had a kitchen of my own
I'd make sure to put a bench
right down the side
with cushions
some kind of kitschy print
kitsch, kitchen, it makes sense
so I'd have another place to sleep
on nights like this

that one time
I slept on the bench
next to the cracked window
somewhat guiltily
air conditioning running high
but to breathe the grass wind
and watch the moon
captured so bright and incomplete

14 again

i can't help
but listen to the same song on repeat
over and over

it's silly,
but it's beautiful

because that's when i think about
the way he
waits
and how everything he creates
is honest
authentic

and it's a thin thread
from me to him
and i can't pause the song
as much as i can't
pick up the phone
and make that call
or make a move
or any of that
would make this
honest

because
honestly, honesty
would mean it's nothing

i'm not going to make that happen

unseen

breath isn't anything you can see
but in the waters
the spirit across the deep
the waves are the
wind
and we need washing
a chance to come forth dripping
and new

it's crashing and
breaking so
as not to leave anything behind

catching my breath
keeping it
still
because i want to hear
the hum if not the sight
the sound
of air shaking the strings

i want to wait for the dawn

like when my head
was against your back
listening
to your voice
through your backbone
like one long chord
in that moment
listening

i could've left myself behind