while everyone else is at the party

and i am tired
waiting on the couch for you to come home
remembering as i always do
how it would be nicer to have some good fiction around
something to keep me preoccupied
to keep quiet evenings

and for you to come home
because i don't want to be with everyone else
just you
if you could read a book with me
or just sit on the couch
we could light a candle or two
put on some music we don't know

i've been waiting since before i met you
because i've always thought of home
as this place where all that i've collected
meets those i love
salvaged years of bad poetry
away from the noise
in the silence of my room
i am firm and forbearing

(re)awakening

at once
glancing out of
worn tread time

finding again
a vast internal expanse


forgiveness is being yourself
full of grace
beautiful

it's emptying
eyes open
remembered music and words
so familiar again

at last

anointed

filing forward
for a bit of
smudged oil

it's sacrilege to say it
but it's a buzz
like your hand on my thigh
after a few beers

being touched
so intimately
being marked
being seen

gifts

gumball machine, now half empty
teapot
lights, colorful
electric kettle
couch
rug
chair #1
chair #2
chair #3
magnet, of my brother's golf picture
blanket, homemade
pillows more stolen than gifted
printer
"mighty orca"
solitary wine glass
box full of trinkets
autographed baseball
blue headphones

generosity abounds
and I am full.

23

the way i see it
you can go one of two ways
and i'm watching some of my friends flee
to big sky

able
to leave it all behind
freedom of words
eyes open

or
to root

to ask questions
of the place you're in
and it's all about noticing
the loneliness of a bus driver
who notices back
a conversation balanced
on cottonwood
in the air

puppy

you see,
i was a puppy once.

oh, i followed him around
hoping for a chance to ride in his truck
to stick my head out the window
hoping he would just want to go on adventures
and play

but then
he scolded me
and told me,
"no more!"

and i slunk off
tail between my legs
and decided to grow up

because if you don't have fun,
i thought,
you can't get hurt.

but i was a puppy once, too.

slow

this time is different

because i have remembered
how to be happy
exactly here

and i remembered
the luxury of ordering takeout
and sleeping in pretty things

i am slow to get out of bed
not because the day holds nothing for me
but because i enjoy
the feeling
of being where i am

friendship

i don't know why
i care about my aloe plant so much.

i just can't seem to figure it out
first it droops
then i water it too much
then too little
then i accidentally left it on the heater
and part of it got a little shriveled up
and i felt so sad.

but some days
my green friend
stands up straight and tall,
so i salute.

i smile to think
that together
we might actually make
a pretty good team.

nosebleed

anger is like an itch
you can't scratch
because your arms are too short
and like everything else
it's too far away
to do anything good about it

and i've been so dry.

every morning i wake up
fighting a nosebleed
i'm emptying
from the inside out


and i've been so dry.
and all i want
is to be all and in all
and not just leave
my bloody self behind
bit by bit

and i've been so dry.

nonsense

i think maybe
i'll have short hair
and wear pearls
when i get a little older
and i get my feet under me
when i have some idea
of how to keep
everything in its place
and people will look at me
and say
oh yes
we can trust that woman
they will not even know
how unruly
i was in my youth
how many years it took me
to get everything
in its place
oh yes
the pearls will say it all

sabbath

i think sabbath
must be like chasing
an old friend
a great, playful golden retriever
in circles around the house
without paying attention
to getting anywhere

you look good in stripes

i'm sorry i've laughed at you so much lately
just do your best
to take it kindly

how am i supposed to react
when your sleepy self
is interrupted only
by the sounds of your own snores?

know that i enjoy you

that i love how you make that same face
each time you take a drink of a local beer
or eat really good homemade dessert
you usually say the same thing, too
(oh, that's good)

or how you love that shirt
so you bought another one
that i think looks just the same
i laugh, but
you look good in stripes

you delight me

especially when you have
a series of new puns
to make me giggle
even though i like to pretend i'm above that

you get flustered in the kitchen
and sometimes i think
i should just get out of your way
but it's so fun
to watch you accommodate
my own quirks

i smiled at you in the kitchen
just the other day
but you didn't notice

so just so you know
you look good in stripes

edge

i thought it was the edge
of where i was willing to go
and leaving behind what i knew
that was the source of my anxiety
the stress of a place
where something becomes nothing

but it was the edge in your voice
that crept in
without me really noticing
that really makes me nervous

deceit

whenever the light
plays tricks
with shadows at my feet
i always think it is a cat

when it is not
a feline friend
i am
always
disappointed

99¢

i had an untamed appetite
swallowing books whole

but i knew my limits
and it came in the form
of prices listed on the monthly book order

the teacher would hand them out
and you could check a box
then attach your parent's check
clean new books would be yours

i knew how to scan the list
ignoring compelling titles
and instead look
for the one listed as 99¢

i've always known what i wanted
but i also know
what i can get

vulnerable

of course
i had to be talked into it
there was no way
i was going to be like
those girls
as much as i professed to accept
i would not
mimic their tears

they shared and cried
i shared and stared
i'm sure they saw the challenge in my eyes

because i am invincible

but then they asked about him
no no no
not about him
anyone but him
that one time i did something
i didn't plan
about how he convinced me
to abandon caution

and how thing weren't always perfect
no no no
don't ask about that
don't you dare challenge him
don't you dare challenge me

but they knew
that there
i was vulnerable
and i felt shame
because he is out of my control
and i didn't know it
until it was too late
and i was far away
and i was left exposed

you made me sit there
and feel the burn in my throat
and the anxiety in my chest
a red dragon
that is always threatening
to exhume my rage

underneath
my deep disappointment
my sadness
for learning i was not invincible
i was not enough
and i was silly

see i don't cry
but i'm vulnerable too

At the bar

We're here because you like it
to have a beer,
not to watch the game
     we're both oblivious to the array of green
     each screen attending not just to the action
     but the different colors of grass
     a tv tint can create
          see how I know more about color schemes than scores?

You think this is a concession
all about you unwinding
but I get to watch you
     by the way you're really handsome tonight
hold up two fingers to signal for a table
Not just watching though, but being seen
wanting publicly for the patrons to know
who I am
not just by my lipstick
or way I walk
but I want them to see me
reflected in the delight of your eyes

an interruption

congregations of white wisps
blowing across my sidewalk path
plants spun thin
holding the sunlight
carrying new life to the next place
like the tufts of hair
white, untamed shocks
erupting from the man who sat next to me on the bus
oh,
how beautiful and delicate

catalogue of emotions

1. stuttered

walking in the intrusive sunshine
looking for a place
to eat only an hour of my day's wages
for someplace
to sit and read a book of poetry

to flirt with the italian man
who convinces me
quite easily
to splurge for the iced tea
even though
that's the equivalent of 27 minutes
trapped at a desk
buried in computer data

knowing that my only alternative
is a shelf of ramen
at 22
you'd think i could have a freezer
so i could at least keep
a solitary tray of ice

ungrateful and stuck
like the rest of the american populace
who are living with their parents
who have long strings of degrees

who know the philosophical meaning of work
before understanding true exhaustion
who linger in the abstract
online banking
(and dating)

wandering the streets
to look for some beer
to take home and forget

2. anger

one time
i grabbed my sister's arm
and wanted to twist
to grab skin and leave marks
in a condensed moment
of unloosed energy

i didn't know
that moment could be suspended
and held so carefully

or that i would ever direct it toward you

i want to be a whirlwind in front of you
i want to tear out all of the strands of thought
that are holding me together
and spin them in front of you
to smash the cool dark complacency
that has nothing left for me

i would set myself on fire

3. knot

i've woven together
so many places
so many people
that when i go to rest
to draw it all in
all i'm left with
is an unassailable knot

it lives in the hollow of my neck

4. wanderlust

i had an excuse
when i returned
and there were no trains
there was no way for me to ride
and look
and just sit and absorb stories
while people rotated around me
opening and shutting newspapers
a world passing by

but now
i have nothing to say for myself
and i'm aching
for botanical gardens
and plays
and the way a city smells at night
to wear something tight
and dance with alcohol in my veins
lights flashing behind closed eyes

wanting to go from ocean to ocean

but i'm a trapped moth
wings battered
from what seemed bright and endearing

5. care

holding on to what is delicate and true
watching your eyes close
i've lost words
or the strength to hold on to what makes sense
the best in me has slipped away

for a moment
i don't need words of my own
watching the familiar contours and shadows
flicker across your face

for once
you trust me to sing you to sleep
wanting to show you my empty hands
as i've lost the words to say

6. jealousy

if they'd only looked at me
one glance would be all it took
they wouldn't hold hands
or sit close on the lawn
sneaking a kiss in broad daylight
one look and they'd know to stop

7. empty

i will wait
and hold myself carefully
as a clear glass
spotless and sure

allergies

how to articulate
the feverish, unstoppable stress
of allergies

filling all available cavities
with a routine reminder
that all of our metallic medicinal
wizardry

cannot halt the onslaught
of a body
that has forgotten to be a part of the world
as if we could stand aloof and serene

so that the smallest
most natural
and ancient moments,
dust in the sunlight
breeze across blossoms,
are a direct attack to our supple and cushioned selves

as if
we have forgotten
humans are meant for conflict
like we have beaten down
looming specters
of mortality and unethical rage

the world enters us
creating an unsteadiness
that reminds us
we are meant to fight