catalogue of emotions

1. stuttered

walking in the intrusive sunshine
looking for a place
to eat only an hour of my day's wages
for someplace
to sit and read a book of poetry

to flirt with the italian man
who convinces me
quite easily
to splurge for the iced tea
even though
that's the equivalent of 27 minutes
trapped at a desk
buried in computer data

knowing that my only alternative
is a shelf of ramen
at 22
you'd think i could have a freezer
so i could at least keep
a solitary tray of ice

ungrateful and stuck
like the rest of the american populace
who are living with their parents
who have long strings of degrees

who know the philosophical meaning of work
before understanding true exhaustion
who linger in the abstract
online banking
(and dating)

wandering the streets
to look for some beer
to take home and forget

2. anger

one time
i grabbed my sister's arm
and wanted to twist
to grab skin and leave marks
in a condensed moment
of unloosed energy

i didn't know
that moment could be suspended
and held so carefully

or that i would ever direct it toward you

i want to be a whirlwind in front of you
i want to tear out all of the strands of thought
that are holding me together
and spin them in front of you
to smash the cool dark complacency
that has nothing left for me

i would set myself on fire

3. knot

i've woven together
so many places
so many people
that when i go to rest
to draw it all in
all i'm left with
is an unassailable knot

it lives in the hollow of my neck

4. wanderlust

i had an excuse
when i returned
and there were no trains
there was no way for me to ride
and look
and just sit and absorb stories
while people rotated around me
opening and shutting newspapers
a world passing by

but now
i have nothing to say for myself
and i'm aching
for botanical gardens
and plays
and the way a city smells at night
to wear something tight
and dance with alcohol in my veins
lights flashing behind closed eyes

wanting to go from ocean to ocean

but i'm a trapped moth
wings battered
from what seemed bright and endearing

5. care

holding on to what is delicate and true
watching your eyes close
i've lost words
or the strength to hold on to what makes sense
the best in me has slipped away

for a moment
i don't need words of my own
watching the familiar contours and shadows
flicker across your face

for once
you trust me to sing you to sleep
wanting to show you my empty hands
as i've lost the words to say

6. jealousy

if they'd only looked at me
one glance would be all it took
they wouldn't hold hands
or sit close on the lawn
sneaking a kiss in broad daylight
one look and they'd know to stop

7. empty

i will wait
and hold myself carefully
as a clear glass
spotless and sure